Traditionally, his is the time of year when I go crazy. While other people are making good on their new year's resolutions, I am so panicked by the idea of another year to keep up with that I decide I will do something successful and transform my whole life.
It isn't a resolution, it's more of a compulsion when I am faced with a whole year of just being me. Again.
It's not even that I dislike being me, but I really do hate the screwy nature of life and how wrong it can go when you're not looking. Or when you just decide that this decision is a really good one, no matter what anyone says or despite it never having worked in the past.
The feelings of new year are terrifying, readers. The pressure begins to build before the old year has gone by and don't really subside until March. It's the sense that I am not good enough, that what I am doing on a daily basis falls short of what I expected of myself.
It reminds me, every year, that I am only slightly different from how I was the year before and as that means I am still likely to make mistakes and not be wildly successful in normal terms, I panic myself into thinking I should make changes.
I've reached the stage of self-knowledge where I understand this is more likely to happen now than later in the year and I watch for it. Watching for it doesn't mean I can stop it happening, but it makes it safer if I know I'm going to start running for the rope bridge before I'm hurtling across it.
This year I'm hoping I will slip quietly into January doing the same things I did in December. I have a lot to deal with at the moment so the last thing I should do is load myself up with more worries or pressure.
I want to totter forward in the same steady, learning step I've been using for the past few months and trust myself to run when I'm able, if ever. I'm hoping that this is the year I trust that I am in the right place, instead of trying to push myself off into new places, just because the old place isn't what I expected.
It is safe to say that new year is one of my triggers and can set me off in the wrong direction, each time thinking I do it as a new venture, a new idea, a something which will make all the other things worthwhile.
What I really need to do is recognise it for what it is: a moment of insecurity and fear which makes me follow a pattern of behaviour that has more to do with vague but powerful feelings than a logical response to life.
As in most things, the best approach is to wait a minute, catch your breath and take another look. I will have to do this a few times to see life clearly, I'm just too good at seeing what I want to and ignoring the problems.
Step back, breathe, look. Then toddle on and take advantage of the fact that you don't get anywhere fast using baby-steps, which gives you plenty of time to see where you are going.
Amanda
My books and writing blog, with free stuff.
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