Ever since this blog started, people have found it by searching 'aspies' and 'lying', along with the expected variations like 'are all aspies liars', 'lying aspies' and 'dishonest aspies'.
Lots of people are dishonest and lots of people lie - and aspies are people, you know. So, before I defend anyone, better to ask if your particular aspie is a liar, rather than do all aspies lie. But yes, I know what you mean.
It can come across as lying, can't it? The evasive look, not meeting your eye; the inability to commit or to answer your questions in the way you expect. The strange, complicated conversation you had when you tried to talk about something really important and ended up coming away with a new recipe for brownies instead.
We can be very. very evasive, I admit it. I can evade with the best of them, from avoiding any eye contact at all to actually fleeing the scene. It's all just part of the fight or flight reaction, and aspies FLY.
If I think you'll want me to have a heavy, in-depth talk about the state of our relationship, I'm flapping those wings before you've even finished the first sentence. If I suspect more is wanted of me than I am willing or able to give, I take a look around in case I need to run before I can launch.
Especially if I'm confused as to what someone actually wants, and I'm worried about it; then it makes so much more sense to flap off in another direction and wait for things to feel normal again before I show my face.
It's not lying, it's evasion and the difference is in the intention. Liars set out with a deliberate intent to deceive, often for their own gain. Evasive aspies just want life to be uncomplicated and to be able to move onto the next stage without having to work out the perils of this one.
Evasion and lying are like two small children in kindergarten. They both took a cookie from the tray before the teacher told them to. The liar took it and lied, because he wanted that cookie and he was ready for it now. The evasive aspie took it because she was passing and saw cookies and hadn't the teacher said they were all going to have cookies later? Was now later?
Having discovered now was not later, she becomes the evasive aspie, keen to get out of the latest trouble with no real clue as to how she got into it in the first place.
The trouble is, lying and evasion often end in the same way, with someone looking at you as if they're disappointed and you feeling like a big problem.
Lying and aspies may lead you to asperger blogs online but don't let the same search take you the wrong way when it comes to your own aspie. Make sure you know the difference between deceit and confusion, between subterfuge and fear. They may look the same from a distance but take a closer look and with less anger in your heart.
We are only people, in the end, and so are you.
Amanda
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