Sometimes I feel like having a sign with me, ready to haul out at a moment's notice: Don't Shout At Me. Do you think it would work? Do you suppose the Shouters would pause long enough to read it?
In my experience, they would. They'd be able to read that sign and carry on shouting if they liked. Or, for effect, stop what they were doing, read it and then shout louder because I've committed another atrocity.
They must be atrocities, right? I mean, I don't shout unless I have to or my temper has really got the better of me. I did used to shout a lot more, then realised it was learned behaviour and adapted to weed it out. Now I try not to do it, I take advance warning if my mood rises or my voice does the same.
I'm only human. I can shout if I have to; I can lose my temper and bawl and scream if I'm really pushed. And I can have an aspie meltdown and storm off, bellowing like Chewbacca when you call him a cissy.
Shouters, though, they just loooove to shout. They like the sound of their own voices, because that means other people must be listening. But just to be sure, they raise their voices as then they can be pretty certain they're the centre of attention.
Once they've done that, they concentrate on your reaction, the measly little audience who dared to cause this outburst. You, the audience, you think they're out of control and can't stop the shouting or have a runaway temper. It may be true, but I doubt it. Do you know what they're really doing? Behind all the noise and bluster and thunder their beady eyes are watching to see how you're taking it.
Are you upset, like a good wrong-doer? Do you look guilty? Do you want to cry? All great results, people, but you want to know what the big one is? The thing they really want, on top of all these? They want you to shout back.
You see, like bullies (and most Shouters are bullies), they don't want a proper fight. So, why would they need you to shout back? Simple, they need you to be the bad guy in all this. If they stand and yell at you with no response, their satisfaction-to-temper ratio diminishes and they have to increase the range of their performance.
If you stay completely silent and don't feed the fire, what do you get? Want to know? You actually get a whole lot more shouting. Like a toddler rolling around on the floor, a tantrum is no good unless someone sees and reacts.
Eventually, if you do nothing, the Shouting will cease as the perp moves off, full of veiled threats and hastily-disguised venom. They know you are in the wrong (otherwise, why would they need to be shouting?) but if you won't play the game and behave as if you're in the wrong, they're not sure what to do. Sometimes, instead of stomping off, they'll change tactic and there will be tears.
Oh dear! The distraught nature of your confounded Shouter! Now you can see they were the victim and you were the baddie! Now you'll react, won't you? Now you see those pitiful orbs of saddy-water dripping down their chin? Only a heartless beast would turn away from such a display.
Readers, it took me years to learn this is a perfomance, as much an act as when I pretend to be normal and force myself to enter real-life. Unlike my own performances, this one always, always needs an audience, whereas mine is solo street art, meant for nothing except getting through a crowd.
How is the aspie meant to know this manipulation for what it is, though, when we have trouble understanding even ourselves? Shall I tell you the big secret? You'll know when it's not the right kind of argument, or you're not the right kind of villain, by how you feel about it.
You might not be able to explain, even in pictures or images, why you feel this is wrong or what is wrong about it, but your whole being will be off-kilter. It's one of those times when you have to follow your instincts and believe you are not to blame.
Like many aspies, I have been shouted at. Quite a lot, in fact. I don't know whether it's low self-esteem, or a quiet personality, or the willingness to get along with the worst of people as well as the best: whatever lies behind it, I've attracted Shouters. And then, I've let them Shout.
The secret to beating them at their own game is to walk away. If you can't do that, you have to learn to deal with it and the best place to start is with yourself. Other people shout because they can. They have mouths and vocal chords and (presumably) brains to make these things work. They choose to shout. It is not your fault.
Breaking the best china or falling on the dog might be your fault; wiping the memory stick clean or deleting all of Game of Thrones might be your fault; calling their mother a crusty old witch and forgetting to press the red button on the phone may be your fault too. But the decision to shout and not talk is theirs.
Never be tricked into believing it is you who causes the Shouting or that it would happen with other people too. Shouters choose their audience wisely, and aspies can be a very good audience indeed.
Here's to all the people who told me these truths over the years, and eventually helped me believe them.
Amanda
My books and writing blog, with free stuff.
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