Aspie daze...

It strikes me that one good thing about being unreliable and generally 'eccentric' is that when you have a proper off day and can't do anything, no one notices! This is not much of a compliment to me, but I sit before you, a squinting, red-eyed imitation of my former self and the only comment I've had so far is that I'm a bit grumpy.

A bit grumpy? Readers, I've had less than three hours sleep and am not even functioning on one engine, let alone four. We had an early night as IT Teen is doing a temporary job this week and needs to be up at 5.30am. The teens dropped off to sleep straight away - I lay there, waiting for it to be bed time.

Two hours later, at about one am, I finally slept. Then woke up, slept a bit, jumped out of bed, slept a bit...you get the picture. I finally woke up at four am, reading to chew at the walls. I stayed that way until fifteen minutes before IT's alarm went off. Then I slept, until I heard the buzzing from the other room.

It was the anticipation of him having to get up and go to work that bothered me. He was okay, he slept fine and didn't worry this morning. I was a wreck. You know the kind of thing, fretting over whether it would be okay, if he would get on with people, was it all a mistake and there was no job after all (this one at four am, obviously).

It must be so nice to just arrange a thing, then do a thing and not worry about a thing. I wonder what that would be like? I'm sure I'd get more sleep if I could be that way.

So, here I am, with bags so big and dark they've started to fall down my face. I've argued with IT, grumped at the dog, had a little row with the cat because I wanted my bed back during the day. I spilled tea, ate biscuits, stood in a mystery liquid then forgot to wash my foot and felt angry at myself for being too tired to do anything.

And amongst all of this odd behaviour, all I get is that I'm a bit grumpy?! I felt quite disappointed. I thought I'd been acting out of character, being this out of it, with no connection to reality and an irritable reaction to almost everything that came my way. Yes, when I list it like that, it does look like a normal day, doesn't it?

I guess the difference is that my usual days might look the same on the outside but at least the inner me knows what she is doing. Even if all of the above is what other people see and respond to, I'm the one who is on the laptop, writing the next book, or blogging or doing my internetty stuff. I know I'm not just sitting there, mouth open, drool on my chin.

So, here's a toast to low expectations! Or should it be, to unusual expectations? For those of us who seem to achieve little, compared to a normal life, take heart in the fact that your really bad days are only bad to you, on the inside. On the outside, you're the same as ever.

Amanda

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