I'm my own worst enemy, I know it. However socially awkward I might be, however difficult other people are (yes, you are), the blame usually comes to rest at my feet.
It's so easy to excuse yourself by virtue of the Aspergers and I've done it many times myself. I can't do that because; I did that thanks to; I'm only an aspie, so I can't...so many reasons which sound like excuses, complicated by the fact that all excuses are potential reasons and vice versa.
How is one supposed to know the difference? How do you know when you really can't do something and when you're just feeling a bit higgledy-piggledy and don't want to do it? It's a fine line and one I'm always falling off, to one side or the other.
None of this is made any easier by my own hyper-critical approach. One moment I'm bemoaning the fact that I'll be at Tesco in dead of night again because I haven't been organised enough, the next I'll realise I could have been at Tesco three times today if I'd just gone while I was out doing other things.
The added part of all the above is that even if I'd thought of going while I was out, I probably wouldn't because I didn't feel like it and knew that I could go tonight. And so the merry-go-round repeats.
Tonight, for lessons, I need to have all kinds of things ready but the printer ink is about to run out. I now wonder why I didn't get any while I was out, not being at Tesco. The answer to that one is simple - I forgot until I came home and the printer barked at me again.
Will I stretch the remaining drops into a full session of lesson prep? Will algebra sigh into oblivion as the page halts, shocked at its own nakedness? Will I then be forced to rush out for the ink and hope I have enough time to do it all?
Will the petrol last until I've been to lessons? Or will I have to go for some on the way? I avoided getting it last night because I was so tired. I knew when I sailed past the garage that I would regret it but I decided I was just too weary to go in and that it was a valid and proper reason.
Today, it doesn't feel so valid and proper. It's now pouring with rain, I'm on the countdown to going out to lessons and the car needs petrol almost as much as the printer needs ink. I also haven't even started getting that algebra ready.
I'm annoying myself at this point as these are little jobs which I don't like doing but which make life easier if you do get round to them. So much better to be able to actually prepare for maths lessons! Also, better to have enough petrol than to see how far a small, box-shaped car can run on momentum alone with the garage sitting in the distance, like a rainy mirage as cars behind wonder why you're travelling at 15 miles an hour.
(In case you're wondering, on flat ground it's about half a mile, which isn't too bad as it's a heavy little car - though I have to give myself some credit as, after years of practice, I am very good at driving under the influence of momentum and breathing exercises).
And the silly part of all this self-inflicted suffering is that while I'm writing about putting myself into these situations, the clock is ticking and I'm blogging instead of doing the lesson prep!
On a positive note, I did get some very important work finished today. Yes, properly important, not just catching up with Game of Thrones or anything. I admit, this is work I've also put off but it was in before the deadline and a lot of thinking time has gone into the delay. There's nothing like a bit of pressure to increase the thinking time and nibble away at the doing time.
So, for now, I'll zip off and see if the printer is feeling amenable. I know it wasn't very happy about being pushed to the limit last time but it did its best, with the minimum of fussing. I do think I may be pushing it towards the dark side though, as it's starting to chew on paper and secrete paper clips in places it has no business secreting anything.
As for the car, it's a long-suffering little box and will probably chug its way quite happily to the next town and back. It might even develop extra capacity for running on fumes, like the increased lung capacity of a professional diver. Perhaps this is the real secret to fuel efficiency - train your car to run on momentum and watch that fuel tank contract!
I'll stop there as the laptop is now reminding me I forgot to charge it. Yes, a pattern is developing. I think I may have a tendency to live in the present, don't you? Or is it just that I'm naturally cruel to inanimate objects?
No, according to IT and RT teen, I'm also cruel to them. They often need refilling, refuelling, recharging and then find the cupboard is empty. The reason is I'm wandering Tesco at the time the teens are staring sadly into the cupboard, having gone there last thing at night, with a car empty of petrol and wondering if they also sell the right ink for the printer.
You see, it all does get done in the end and, very efficiently, all in the same place. So that's okay then, isn't it?
Amanda
My books and writing blog, with free stuff.
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